college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
