Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
