I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
