Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
