You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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