Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
