She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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