what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
