Swine flu. Run for my life!
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
