margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
