I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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