She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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