go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
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