That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
