There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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