I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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