You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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