Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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