Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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