What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
