im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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