i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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