And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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