Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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