It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
