our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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