sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
