i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
