You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
