i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Randomize
