According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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