I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
