I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You ruined the universe
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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