sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Randomize
