He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
