I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
