I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
