So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
People in love make me want to vomit
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
