I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
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