i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
