Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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