what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
