I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
