Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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