when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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