I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize