I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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