her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
