TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
