i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
