My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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