I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
