The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
