I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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