So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize