i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
