Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
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