Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Girls should come with a carfax report
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
