youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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