Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
