Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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